Neurotype differences
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| Usual developmental traits at maturity | “Autism Spectrum Disorder” is genetic and results from neurological factors that shape how functional brain systems develop | Differences in neurobiology result in different approaches to and priorities in relationships with others | The confusing differences between the couple result, for the NT, in a challenging experience of misery (Karen Rodman: “Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome”) |
| NT’s Neurobiology supports prioritizing and easily producing these behaviors | People with ASD’s Neurobiology supports different priorities and behaviors | How these differences may show up for adults with ASD | Effects of the incongruity on NT partners |
|---|---|---|---|
| Joint attention | A stronger focus on one’s own needs and perspective | Less interest in sharing experiences & interests | Perspective, interests & needs feel disregarded |
| Theory of mind/Theory of own mind – awareness of self and others | Low interest in seeing another’s point of view; Can be difficult to see own POV or feelings as well | Doesn’t naturally “put oneself in someone else’s shoes;” may not accept partner’s view of events | Feels gaslit; feels invisible - loss of sense of self, insecurity; uncertainty of own reality |
| Reading and interpreting body language / facial expression come naturally | Reduced attunement to body language / facial expressions | Not focused on registering others’ emotions | Feels emotions are disregarded, unacknowledged, not validated |
| Driven to repair relationships after conflict | Not focused on noticing relationship rupture nor driven to repair | Less intimate friendships | Unresolved emotional upset; problems fester; distance only NT seems to notice |
| Emotional reciprocity | Differences in how empathy is recognized and expressed | Others’ emotions seem uncalled for, unjustified, beside the point | Reduced input / return of feelings, longing for emotional support, feeling emotional neglect |
| Desire or need to socialize and make “small talk,” interest in others | Doesn’t see the need to make others comfortable; may socialize selectively or for a specific aim | Can manage social demands by masking or copying when expected behavior doesn’t come naturally | Reduced intimate connection such as “pillow talk,” warmth, banter, attuned friendship, loving foreplay |
| Sense of humor / understanding of irony & human frailty | Doesn’t laugh at one’s own mistakes nor embrace the perspective of taking oneself lightly | Doesn’t experience being mistaken; innocently perceives others as the cause of difficulties | No redress when wronged, receives no “natural justice;” must tolerate regular castigation |
| Abstract language | Values a straightforward, literal approach to language | Doesn’t harbor a taste for irony / metaphor / jokes | Unrequited efforts to make themselves “heard;” reduced loving banter |
| Desire to share own and others’ interests | Intense focus on one’s own interests | Low interest in communicating own experience to others nor hearing about theirs; Low desire to be expressive | Loneliness in the relationship, few shared moments of attunement and mutual recognition |
| Likes to generalize learning to new situations | Prefers to compartmentalize concepts; dislikes flexible application of concepts | May be slower or more reluctant to take up new ways of being; low interest in pursuing growth or change | Frustration when requests for change get no traction |
| Abstract thinking | Concrete thinking, with fewer schema changes; reduced use of inference and extrapolation | Little appreciation of “hidden” meaning in life, including unseen aspects of others | Doubting one’s own view of self; Feeling invisible; Longing to be received |
| Imagination and enjoyment of dreaming of possibilities | Solitary imagination | Tendency to prefer to keep things the same | Reduction and narrowing of life experiences; feeling taken for granted and forced to “coast” |
| Uses verbal and auditory processing to interpret | Feels an obviousness about own preferences - that they are the norm for others as well | Tendency to misinterpret others’ intentions | Misunderstandings produce self-doubt or defensiveness |
| Naturally, (even if reluctantly) can identify their own actions, role, responsibility | Tends to attribute mistakes to others; different take on their own part in problems | Low drive to acknowledge mistakes or change behavior; a strong conviction of being right; often remembers events differently | Falsely blamed, develops strong anger and occasional dysregulation arising from a sense of injustice |
| Ability to share problems and concerns as a means to solve them | Doesn’t easily predict others reactions or have interest in delving into them | Doesn’t react to some social demands or prompts; May not register how a situation is escalating | Obligation to repair social gaffes & misunderstandings |
| Social conscience, sense of “fair play” and natural justice | Self-defined, often strict, sense of rules | A strongly felt sense of right and wrong, unbreakable commitment to own view of justice | Feels their concerns or sense of reality are dismissed; may feel unheard, invalidated, even intimidated |
| Reacts & acts spontaneously | Spontaneity doesn’t appeal, may be perceived as silly or pointless | Prefers to express less, show less response | Misses positive feedback, playfulness, laughter, repartee; offers are ignored |
| Easily “reads” social situations | Focuses on what is seen, clear, ostensible in social situations | Values own socializing preferences and social interpretations | Undesired isolation; reduced options participation as a couple; a controlled, narrow social life |
| Comfort, pleasure & pain in sensory experiences | Sensory overload or reduced awareness | Excess or avoidance of physical touch. More occurrence of asexuality or hypersexuality than the average population. | Unsatisfying human physical contact; forced celibacy or uncomfortable assault |
| Operates on intuition and innate knowing | Operates on clear fact | Responses leave out knowledge of inner or less obvious realities | Feels inner self can never be acknowledged |
| Emotional skills inform intellectual skills | Prefers intellectual skills, low interest in emotional skills | Interactions tend toward intellectual responses unless prompted | Fatigue re translating and prompting, in relationship and in social situations |
| Values showing love and respect in tone of voice, eyes, treatment of others | Tends to show care through ‘acts of service’ | Likes to be reserved, uninvolved. Doesn’t take pleasure in doting or compliments. | Loss of feelings of warmth and reciprocity; numbness. Grief. Neglect trauma. |
| Attachment to people, places and things | Values self-reliance; Reduced attachment | May experience relationship and define intimacy as functional | Loss of self-esteem, feeling unappreciated, taken for granted |
| Reflection and insight into self | Less interest in observing self in relation to others | Low interest in self reflection | Must accommodate partner’s perspective (accommodation unreciprocated) |
| Ability to make decisions using emotions and intellect | Uncertainty of own feelings (alexithymia) | Unique decision-making process, can be accompanied by anxiety | Stymied collaboration in planning; dead end in initiating until partner is ready |
| Typical executive function | Need for either prompts, or for complete control | Anxiety re planning/ execution leading to aggressive affect | Must contort to partner’s preferences re execution. Absorbs constant criticism |
| Likes to prioritize tasks and multi-task | Often focuses on one task at a time, usually a special interest, strict routine, or area of intense focus | Low interest in material outside focal point | Attempt to introduce anything outside partner’s desired focus stymied |
| Context awareness, fast intuition; unconscious cognition | Context blindness; “mindblindness;” reduced intuition | Doesn’t like to flex or adapt | Confusing interactions & conversations; feeling not understood; feeling like a broken record |
| Generalizes implicitly and explicitly on global and local tasks | May not generalize learning | May not produce expected responses | Might sometimes feel the need to guide and assist partner, to avoid embarrassment |
| Physical embodiment, grounded sense, proprioception, co-ordination | May self-regulate with movement (“stimming”) | Unusual or stiff gait; unexpected ways of engaging; unintentional scowls, tics | Angry facial expressions intimidating |
| Can choose to calibrate thoughts, emotions, words, actions according to circumstances | Likes to feel in control; can feel emotionally overwhelmed and victimized by the unexpected and find it difficult to regulate emotionally | Meltdowns; outsized expressions of anger and blame; build-and-release cycles of frustration | Chronic, cumulative stress, exhaustion re need to defuse tension and defend oneself |
This is an adapted version of the original chart by J. A. Morgan, BEd Grad Dip (©2016). The wording has been heavily revised throughout to describe neurotype differences with greater neutrality. (Where ASD-related behaviors create resentment for NTs, the temptation to pathologize can follow, but to do so unfairly disregards the natural lived experience and perspectives of persons with ASD.)
Note that not every case reflects every item listed. ASD is a spectrum and each individual is unique. The original attribution, researcher list, support websites, and references are retained below from the source.
One clarifying point regarding abuse: the chart describes neurotype differences and the relationship dynamics that can follow from them. It does not suggest that abuse necessarily follows from autism. Any abuse, coercive control, or violence are separate, serious issues, should never be explained away or excused by anyone’s neurotype, and warrant appropriate support wherever they occur. Note that conditions such as ADHD, OCD, anxiety, or depression can co-occur with autism but are distinct from it. –Atieno Bird, 2026
The chart was compiled in 2005 with input from Professor Tony Attwood, a widely experienced retired educator with post graduate qualifications who has been in an almost three decade long marriage to a man diagnosed with High functioning autism (Asperger’s syndrome.) The author has facilitated a support website for neurotypical spouses/partners for several years. The chart was compiled in collaboration with other facilitators of international NT support groups. These facilitators together have over eighty years’ combined experience of living with a spouse on the autism spectrum. They have also heard from many tens of thousands of adult NTs living in marriages and relationships with someone with Asperger’s/Hfa. The value of the quantity and quality taken together, of that experience of being in contact with so many NTs, cannot be ignored. The chart is also based on numerous neuro scientific research/investigations, along with results of other research into the circumstances of our situation conducted over many years.
Researchers of neurotypical experiences
Dr Lisa Abel, Dr Cathryn Rench, Jennifer Bostock-Ling, EC McNeil, R. Doley, Kim L Bolling, Professor Tony Attwood, Maxine Aston
Support websites
References
Based on the work of educational theorists
Other references
Goleman, D, Emotional Intelligence
Kourkoulou A, Leekam SR, Findlay JM. Implicit learning of local context in autism spectrum disorder
Vermeulen, Peter PhD, Autism: From Mind Blindness to Context Blindness, Autism Asperger’s Digest, November/December 2011
Neuroscience research
Adapted from J. A. Morgan, BEd Grad Dip (©2016). Modified working version.